Frank Off The Radio: The Frank Skinner Podcast - Hallgatás Online

00:08 So, um, I, I, um, I, I got a car recently, some, a car in which I, no, I didn't buy a car. Someone drove me. Oh, yeah. That's what I meant. Yeah. And, um, when I walked out, he said, uh, the driver said to me, um, I'm supposed to give you a hug. 00:28 Oh, no. And I thought, well, they've taken a new policy, this company, and they've gone a step... I said, I'm... Sorry, I'm unclear of your meaning. 00:37 He said, well, I'm Emily's regular driver. 00:40 He's my regular... Oh, was it Steve Driver? I call him Steve Driver. 00:43 I didn't ask his name. Let's face it. 00:46 Steve Driver. Steve Driver. 00:49 And he said, oh, yes, I drive Emily to the show on Saturday mornings. 00:53 And he said, if I, she said, if I drive you, I should give you a hug. But we decided against you. I'm sorry to let you down. 00:58 Oh, I was thinking some Brokeback Mountain thing. 01:01 But, you know, I said, oh, she's great. And he said, oh, yeah, she's such a laugh and all that. He said, she's very good on the roots as well. He says, because... 01:10 And I thought, surely she does those before she comes out. 01:14 But he said, she's worked out a route from her house to Absolute, which avoids all speed bumps so she can do her make-up in the back of the car. 01:25 That's 100% right. 01:28 That is good. That's really... The Pathfinder. 01:32 Yeah. 01:32 That's fantastic. 01:33 Always putting the effort in, Frank. 01:35 And I said, you know, because by now, obviously, I'd moved into banter mode. 01:40 Yeah. 01:41 I said, well, there's not many men seen Emily without her make-up. And then I thought, actually, there probably are quite a lot. 01:51 Yes. I feel like that when... There's not many women seen me shave. 01:56 Is that right? 01:57 And that's deliberate. Because I do a sort of a shaving face. Do you? You sort of have to pull your mouth and that into a horrible... Oh, yes. I know the position, yeah. Can I demonstrate? 02:13 Yeah. 02:16 Like that. I think if anyone saw that, it might cause some sort of fissure in our relationship. 02:25 I'm glad you saw Steve Friber, though. He seems a very nice chap. He is, and you know what I admire him for? His discretion. 02:32 Well... Well, I don't know how he told me that. 02:33 Until he fessed up about your speak up, Ruth. 02:36 Hold on, are you ever waiting for the other stuff he told me about? 02:46 I missed the show last week. 02:48 Oh, we missed you. 02:48 Do you mean you didn't listen? I didn't listen. I was away. 02:53 Emily was in the chair, as our regulars will know. 02:55 That's something of a relief, Val. He doesn't know yet. 02:58 Yes. And I haven't been caught urinating in public. Yeah, that's what happened last time I didn't do the show. 03:03 Yeah, but you don't know what we did, Frank. 03:06 I can't remember what we did. 03:07 I'll tell you what we did. 03:08 Did we do something bad? 03:09 I think Big Daddy's going to be off your head, Mr Ellen. LAUGHTER I might have instigated a bit of a selfie war with Joan Collins, I'm afraid. 03:20 Oh, I forgot about that. I think I deleted that from my mind. 03:22 Well, you know that Ellen took that selfie for the Oscars, 3.2 million retweets. Joan Collins did one, 341 retweets. Oh, OK. Of her and... Who are the other people in it, Al? 03:33 Erm... 03:35 pixie and um so ben kingsley um so i decided to do one of us just out of curiosity to see how many it would get i'm afraid we had a colored photocopy of you held up it was all curling at the edges i'm happy with that okay especially if it was a little bit too red yeah i like that sort of singing detective look We got 676 retweets, though. 04:02 That is more than Sir Ben Kingsley. 04:05 Yeah. 04:06 After what he's done for this country. 04:09 And India. Yeah, he did a lot for India, didn't he? 04:11 This show is somewhere between, as you pointed out, Ellen DeGeneres and Joan Collins, then. 04:15 Yeah. 04:16 We can reveal. 04:17 Oh, that's good to know. 04:18 OK. 04:18 Yeah, well, we'll keep working, trying to finalise that position where we are on that scale. That spectrum, that degeneration is Colin's spectrum. You're scratching a bit of stubble, though. I am scratching a bit of stubble. Listen, everyone. 04:30 Yeah. 04:31 Oh, I've got me whiskers. 04:34 Don't worry about that. I'm not some sort of eunuch. 04:38 I'm not eunuch pal, if that's what you mean. We don't often cross-promote on this show, but we've had a text from 546 saying, I was in the pub last night when I got a distressing text from my mate John saying, Frank Skinner on last leg. I'm glad to hear you on the radio this morning. LAUGHTER 04:56 I should point out the last leg is a television programme. You'll see. 05:02 What? Yes, last week I was on holiday. I went away for a weekend with a lot of adults and children, is what I went away with. 05:14 And at one point the holiday fell through. The company we were going away with dissolved. 05:20 Oh. No. 05:21 Yeah. To be fair, they weren't made of ice. Yeah. You know those ice companies that are so popular? Icebreak. Yeah. 05:28 And, no, it sort of disappeared, the company. 05:33 And so I thought, oh, we're not going away after all. So I phoned Daisy. 05:38 Oh, yeah. 05:38 The producer of the show. And I said, guess what? 05:42 I'm not... It was the fifth anniversary show, fifth anniversary of our time. I said, guess what, I'm not going away after all. Oh, what did she say? So I can do the show. 05:51 What did she say? 05:52 And she said, oh, well... Oh, no. The thing is, everyone's in place now. Is that what she said? She said, can you imagine how I felt? My fifth anniversary show. She said, everyone's in place now. Everyone's in place. I said, oh, well, I just thought, you know, it might be good if... And she said... Well, it's up to you. Oh, can you imagine it? 06:12 The thing is, when she took that call, we were all in place. 06:15 We were right here, ready to... Well, I felt... 06:19 I can't tell you how I felt. We can't tell you how we... I cried. 06:24 And I'd seen eight magpies the day before. 06:28 Did you style it out then? Did you say, oh, yeah, well, I didn't want to do it anyway. 06:31 Hang on, you saw eight magpies. 06:33 Oh, yeah. I saw eight magpies in a tree. Is that a show in the West End? You know, I salute, if I see one magpie, I've mentioned this before, I always, always salute. 06:42 Yeah. Right. 06:43 And... 06:45 I have that dilemma. Actually, if anyone knows about this, I'd love to know. If there's any people who are sort of connoisseurs of superstition. What often happens to me is I see one magpie, I salute, and then another one comes. And I thought, well, I've diluted the wand for sorrow, but have I also diluted? Do I not get the two for joy thing now because I've saluted? Has that broken the spell? Anyway, I saw eight magpies in a tree, and I had to go against my better judgment and Google to work out what that signified. 07:19 More soon. 07:28 I had to Google eight magpies. Oh, yeah. It's a wish. 07:34 Is it? 07:34 Well, that's rubbish, isn't it? Well, no, it's great. If you know at the time, you can have a wish, but obviously you can't wish retrospectively on these creatures. 07:43 Well, how long did your Google take, surely? 07:45 Well, I didn't want a smartphone in the street. You know, I frown on it. All right. You know those people who just walk along thinking everyone else has to get out of the way for them? 07:55 I know, I'm one of them. 07:57 Oh, OK. Of course, the joy of having a wish is that you can just do it. You don't even need to see eight, mate, but I could have one now if I wanted. Go on, then. I've just done one. 08:07 You don't want to know... 08:10 Ah. 08:11 The good news is I was very careful what I wished for, so that's what they say, isn't it? 08:15 Yeah, you have to be careful about that. Otherwise, if you get what you wish for, there might be something that's not actually good for you. That's right, yeah, that's the theory behind it. I'm saying that quite carefully, cos people might be listening to it. 08:32 You both sound absolutely plastic. LAUGHTER 08:36 But come on. Hold it. 08:38 That's exactly what it sounds like. Hold it. Hold it. When you wish. What I was saying. 08:44 When you wish. So sober up. I went away for the weekend. 08:49 Oh, how was it? 08:50 And it was lovely, actually. So you got a new place. We got a new place. We were helped out by the kindness of others. Nobody dissolved. 08:59 Boz, my son, had the best time. And he, one problem, he's really, really got into seesawing. 09:08 Oh, lovely. 09:09 The trouble is with seesawing is you don't want to be the only child who likes it. Yeah. 09:13 You don't want Chris Biggins the other end either. 09:15 Well, there's nobody. You couldn't really put anyone the other end other than a child. So there's a lot of him sitting on one end of the... that's not true frank me during fashion week you could put me yeah but you know you weren't there yeah but yeah so um it's like i look it's it's why i've never really got into board games because you have to have someone else who'll play with you yeah you don't want to sit there looking at us at a laid out cluedo true yeah and guess who oh just sit in there wait open that somebody found someone come along to play yeah and you've got it that's awful So, yeah, it was lovely, though. 09:54 I like being with a gang, because I'm never really with a gang. I'm quite lonely, it's the truth. 09:59 Lonely. You all right? 10:02 I've just been away with a lot of people. I know. It's when I come back that I really felt it. 10:07 How was the gang? Were they okay? You didn't do any of the... 10:10 It wasn't the ones I had a difficult time with. 10:12 No, you can't see them anymore. You didn't do any of the previous trip antics, did you? Like, oh, I must spend more time with normal people or whatever it was. Oh, no, no, no. 10:20 Physically ill when you tell me that story again. 10:22 No, no, no, I didn't say that. I'm afraid we don't cook, that sort of stuff. 10:27 Oh, God. No, that was a different group. This group, it's nice. We did things like have a quiz. 10:32 Oh, yeah. Did you write it? 10:34 Oh, I feel a bit stressed at the thought of you having a quiz, because you are quite a competitive fan. 10:38 Well, I did 15 to 1 this week, speaking of quizzes. Oh, how did it go? Excellent. At least I knew what my chances of winning were from the off. 10:46 Is it still William G. Stewart? 10:48 No, no, no. You know, this is the modern world. 10:53 It was Adam Hills. Oh, lovely. Oh, he's good. 10:56 Yes. And there was 15 of us, obviously. 11:00 Question or nominate? 11:02 Well, it was... I can't say what happened. I can tell you a few. I was next to Hilary DeVay. 11:11 Oh. 11:13 And she kept saying to me, I mean, who could know these? They're obscure. So obscure, these questions. They're the sort of questions, you know them or you don't. LAUGHTER I thought, well, that's a fair point. Fair point. There's one point they asked a question about, it was some TV programme, and she turned to me, again quite loud, and said, it's no good asking me about television, because when the television was on, I was working in me dad's pub. 11:45 And I wanted to say, it's still on. Do you know it's still on? We're on it. This is... We're on it now. This is television. But she seemed to think the television that something happened in 1968. Once. Yeah. 12:01 That night, that night television was on, I was in the dance floor, missed it. I weren't there for that three hours. 12:05 Frank, do you still, can you tell me a bit with the format? Because they're used to, your third light would go off, no spoiler alerts, but the third light would go off and then you'd have to sit there in the dark. 12:16 You have to stand there now in the dark. Do you stand? I could give you a seat. I can't tell any names, but a well-known politician stood in the dark for, I would say, 17 minutes. 12:27 Just stood in the dark. It was like the opening of The Third Man. 12:31 Oh, yeah. 12:32 I'll come back to this. 12:34 We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and tightening. It feels like a backward step, I know, but people finding things quite frightening. 12:47 There was a bit where... 12:49 This is 15 to 1. 12:50 Yes. Again, I can't say what happened on it, you know, but I will tell you that there was a question that, for some camera angle reason, Adam Hills had to do twice. So he asked a question. 13:04 And, you know, you think one thing about quizzes, you learn, that's one of the good things. Oh, yeah. So he asked a question about the head of the Olympic Committee or something of that nature. And the person didn't know it and he told them the answer. And then they said, can you do that again? So he did it again and I still didn't know the answer. No. No, that's not good, is it? 13:29 No. 13:30 I've often thought, if I watch Mastermind again the next night, would I get all the specialist questions? But I wouldn't. 13:39 I watched it once, and it was about the Aztecs. Oh, yeah. And I thought, I think if I guess every one of these, I'll get one. 13:48 So it said, which king ruled Aztec empire from 11? What did you say? Mechahahu. 13:56 And what was the name of the ancient city? And I'd go, Meg Lep. 14:01 And just do that. And I thought, I bet if I get one, I'd be such a thrill. 14:06 But... No joy. Didn't work out. No joy was my guest. No. 14:11 Oh, I look forward to watching that 15 to 1. 14:12 You should try that. I would encourage anyone, when you're watching a mastermind, have a crack at the... Yeah. 14:19 Yeah. Just have a guess. You know, if it's something about the Enigma code... You can do it with the Turkish language, to be honest. 14:26 Can you? Sorry, what were you saying about the Enigma code? 14:27 Well, you know, you can say which, which scientist. You can just say, you know, Brian Ells. And wouldn't it be great if you got one? 14:36 Yeah, because Charles Babbage sounds made up. 14:39 Yes. Yeah. 14:40 Doesn't he? Yeah, who's that? He invented the computer. 14:43 Oh. OK, I'm going to get one of them. 14:45 Sorry, sorry, it's technology-based. 14:47 I'm going to get one. 14:48 What, a computer? 14:49 Yeah, do it. Don't they get hot? I seem to remember they get hot. They do get hot. We had one at a factory I worked at. That had been a frozen room. 14:59 Do you know what, Frank, they take a long time to warm up as well. 15:01 But they're very useful for finding out what to do in the eventuality that you see eight magpies. That's the best use for a computer these days. 15:10 Yeah, it is. 15:13 Frank, you were spotted this week by Ian from Gravesend. 15:18 I missed you the other week, Frank. I think he's referring to last week's show. 15:23 Saw you walking the street... 15:25 Sounds a bit... Yeah, exactly. And thought what I could do to get your attention that wasn't shouting, Frank, you legend. So I threw a bit of gravel at you. Not to hurt you, but it's the best I could think of that didn't involve my shoe. Anyway, it missed you, and you didn't ever find out I existed, or that I'm funny, so I thought I would inform you. 15:46 Yes, now, Alan and Emily asked me earlier why I was wearing an eye patch. 15:51 LAUGHTER 15:54 No, no, I missed the gravel completely. But I'm happy for people to come and say hello rather than throw road surface at me. 16:01 Probably a good rule. Yeah, that's going to go. 16:04 Have you ever done that when you go around someone's house like they do in the films and throw stones at the window to get them up? 16:10 Not since I was dating Saddam Hussein. 16:13 Now, then you would throw a shit. 16:15 A flip-flop I threw, yeah. 16:17 No, I haven't done that. When the statue come down, that man ate it with a flip-flop. Oh, I love that. Disrespectful. 16:25 Did you not think that was right? 16:26 I know he was a cure at Zeg, Saddam Hussein, but, you know. 16:30 Don't take it out on art. 16:32 Is that your take on Sedan, that he was a curatee? He was a curatee. 16:35 You know what? Me and my friends have adopted that. If we're angry, if you're angry with a man, you just get a photo of him and bash it with your Jimmy Choo. 16:42 We actually do that. 16:43 And does that work? Does that make it feel better? 16:45 Yeah, it does. Oh, good. Jimmy Choo, he was lucky to miss the rhyming slang train, wasn't he? 16:53 Oh, I could do the Jimmy Choo. 16:59 Mean days as in stupor, and mean days as in the sevens of a week. So this is a takeout, a blooper. 17:13 We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and typing. It's a walked out memory lane, I know, cos people find new things quite frightening. 17:26 Morning, Frank. Comedy Northern bloke and the divine one. I'm not sure I'm happy with my handle there. That's all right, isn't it? 17:33 Very happy with mine. 17:34 It's got comedy in it. I'll take it. The divine one is the winner, isn't it? 17:39 Fashion and sport question. I'm taking my son, five, to his first match to see... Some of the names they give him nowadays. Yeah. 17:47 Named after the boy band. Or he's got four children already and he's just gone... 17:52 Oh, Charlie Chan, number one son. 17:57 I think you should have done the Ian McMillan voice there. That's how he is. We didn't know, you see. I might start calling him Buzz, number one son. 18:08 That's a good idea. 18:10 I'm taking my son for after his first match to see the Mighty Blades crush Wolves, who will be resplendent in footy kit, scarf, hat, etc. I, at 46, will be in smart, non-badged casual. Does the team think that there should be a new rule which men past a certain age... Which men past a certain age from wearing... ban men from... Wearing replica sports kit, I think. This is why it's not on the news. No, no, there's a word missing in the text. It's, uh, it ain't my bad. I'm just doing my best with what I've got here. 18:39 Yeah, you have to amend as you go. That's how it works. 18:41 That's what I was doing. 18:42 Also, Trevor McDonald never says, ain't my bad. Although he should. 18:46 Miss M. But he did get a knighthood for reading out loud. Miss M, please feel free to feel nauseous. John 106 from Sunny Cultural Sheffield. 18:56 So there. 18:58 Well, I think he's correct. I like to wear a scarf. Just a scarf? Not just a scarf. 19:05 What did he ask? I can't remember. 19:06 Not like when you're wearing just your pyjamas off. If I went to the Qatar World Cup, I might wear just a scarf. It's going to be steamy out there. 19:13 Oh, I'm going to wear hot pants to that. 19:16 I'm just going to wear a rainbow scarf to that. 19:18 I might wear really high-cut denim cutters. 19:22 Oh, my God. 19:23 Like Daisy Duke. 19:24 Oh, my God. 19:26 I'm not sure that the texter in wanted what we were going to wear to the Qatar World Cup. No, but they're getting it. That's what he's getting. 19:32 Mine, just for the record. 19:33 I don't plan that far ahead. 19:36 You don't. You just don't. 19:38 Hot pants, but then a fleece up top, just to confuse the men. 19:41 Oh, I might wear a gilet. A gilet. Tim Sherwood style. Body warmer, old school. What was, anyway... No, I take his point. I do. I mean, you do see lots of... 19:55 People... I mean, the thing is with football shirts, they are designed for professional athletes. Yeah. 20:00 Exactly, Frank. And... 20:02 Somewhat unforgiving on... And I really... It's not so much that, because, you know, people... Most people look terrible, anyway. But, um... I like a scarf. I do like to wear a scarf at a game. And the replica shirt has replaced the scarf, really. 20:19 You're sort of a Mancini kind of fan, aren't you? He wears one, doesn't he? Even though he's got the job. Yeah, well. Takes a trip to the club shop when he first starts. 20:26 I've always worn a scarf, though. People didn't wear replica shirts when I started going. 20:30 You had one knitted by your mum, one of those, didn't you? Yeah, exactly. I love that. Exactly. You wore a replica kit a lot during the 90s with Dee Baddiel. 20:39 Yeah, but I wore it professionally. You did. 20:42 But I think, I remember seeing... 20:46 A crowd shot at the 66 World Cup final. There was people with big rosettes and stuff like that. And then there was a guy there who was just like, you know, a 60s groovy guy in a mack and a little thin tie. And I thought, yeah, that's the way to get to the World Cup final. Cool. No, not a hit, no badge, nothing. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm with Dad on this one. 21:13 It would be great to start a sort of underground campaign to stop people wearing colours at games. You just go, just normally. Just go in your normal clothes. 21:22 It would be good for pubs as well, because some of them say no football colours. 21:26 I'd go full-length ball gown like Young Musician of the Year. 21:29 That's how I go to any Huddersfield Town game. I always go in that. 21:32 And also, you'd be defying sponsorship, because the sponsor's on the shirts. You'd be fighting commercialism in football, because they're selling other shirts at high prices. 21:41 This is it. 21:42 And I think you've been making a statement that the surface supporting of a team, what's on the outside, is all about the players. They're on the inside, often just think about themselves. But with the football fans, the team colours are on the inside. They don't need to wear them on the outside. It's nearly a rant. And I hate her rant. Frank doesn't like rants. However, the reader, John... I like Esther Ranson. In which case there's any misunderstanding about that. 22:09 No, I don't. 22:10 Oh. 22:11 I remember when I went to do work experience and she was rude to me. 22:14 Oh. 22:14 What does she say, Daisy? 22:16 She said, I can't just look nice and know people. 22:20 You can't just look nice and know people? You can't walk in here looking beautiful and just knowing people. 22:25 I see you've opted to beautiful. You'd see the terror in your face when Daisy had reduced it to nice. Tom downgraded me. 22:34 I hated it. 22:35 Daisy's amends were awful. The chap here that has texted in has said... 22:44 feel free to feel nauseous, Emily, and that's stumbled upon something that's happened in my life quite a few times. You felt nauseous. No, recently... I feel nauseous. 22:55 I've had a few people say, oh, my God, that makes me feel sick about things recently. My manager was talking to me. He was boasting about how he's got a new money clip. I mean, what... 23:05 Sounds to me like he's not busy enough. What was the nature of the money clip? 23:08 Sounds to me like he's doing all right for himself. 23:10 He puts his money and his credit card and maybe a few receipts into a clip and he said, I just have the coins in my pockets. 23:17 It's a bit Kanye, that. 23:18 And I said, oh, I've just got a wallet. And he went, oh, the thing I hate about a wallet is the unnecessary fold. Started talking about the unnecessary fold because they've become all big. That's what I hate about getting older. 23:28 LAUGHTER 23:31 Honestly, I went, oh, what, like on my wallet? And I got my wallet on it and he went, oh my God, that makes me feel sick. He said it makes him feel sick. It's not that bad. It's just a normal, I've got it here. 23:41 Yeah, but yours... Can we have a look? If I remember rightly... I'll show you. I mean, it is gross. Actually, it is disgusting. 23:45 Oh no, actually, he feels sick. 23:47 I didn't know it was made out of human skin. 23:50 The thing is, there's so much human skin to go around. 23:56 I feel like we should use some of it. 23:58 LAUGHTER 24:00 Do you know what? You can go very off-piste with small leather goods. 24:04 Yeah. Yes. I always send that to my friends in the S&M community. 24:10 No, there is too much in your wallet. Oh, too much? There is at the moment. 24:13 I've got too many receipts in there and too many coins. It's an envelope. I thought it was for a brown envelope. There is, yeah. You've got a brown envelope in your wallet. I think I might have put that in because I... But an envelope is a wallet. That's true. That is true. 24:26 It's so bulging. I'd use that as a footrest. That's a puff you've got there. 24:29 Wherever you put that on your purse, then it's going to be unsightly. It's too much. 24:35 I saw my mate after he was going to show the other day, and he came into a bar in jogging bottoms. I mean, that turned my stomach. Wandering about in a theatre bar in a pair of grey jogging bottoms. I'm all right with that. 24:45 The head of Absolute Radio did that once. He still denies it. He came in here once in jogging bottoms. 24:50 I ate on the wallet front. I can't cope nowadays with a wallet in a back pocket. Oh, no. 24:56 Male or female, I want to see the... 24:58 Even if, you know, a fat bloke, I still want to see the curvature of the buttock. 25:04 And the worst thing is... Why? Why do you want to see it? 25:08 I just do. And when people are habitual wallet-wearers in the back pocket, they get, like, a shape in the back pocket. Oh, I don't like that at all. It might be a little... It might have taken a corner of the pocket out with its sharp wallet-ness. No. 25:21 I hate that. 25:27 They are texting in, but mainly about whether or not it's appropriate to wear football shirts after a certain age. 25:33 But that's an interesting point. 25:34 And we seem to have started a text as, where do you keep your wallet? What's your wallet like? 25:40 It's a pickpockets guide. 25:42 We've had an email from Alex Meads saying, Hi Frank and gang, I'm a back pocket wallet kind of guy. Just had a thought it would appease, would it appease Frank if I had two with even distribution between the two? One the right pocket for cash and in the left for sundries, brown envelopes, etc. A clip is just too camp and where would you put your stamps? 26:04 No, I'm not back in the clip. I just think that the human... There's a reason that the human bottom is curved the way it is. You have a look at it. Even the ones we might think have got out of control still look pretty good. You know, like the mandrill. You know the mandrill ape? Yeah. His face looks like he's behind so that he's always attractive back and front. 26:28 I just think... I notice it. I think it's... 26:32 It looks wrong in a back pocket. 26:34 Yeah. I used to do it myself. 26:36 I mean, I'm like John McVicar now. You know, I had a life of crime, and now I've become a sociologist. Yeah. But I just think it doesn't look great. I see people with the back phone and all. I see attractive women. Back phone in the pocket. Oh, no. 26:51 You're spoiling everything. What about iPhone in the front pocket? Oh. 26:54 I don't mind that. Obviously, it makes you infertile. But hey. LAUGHTER You know, if you're going to make an omelette... Actually, you probably wouldn't make an omelette if you did that regularly. 27:06 771. But, Frank, think of the poor trainee pickpockets. If people didn't carry wallets in their backpockets, where would they start? 27:12 Well, do they go for backpockets? Because I'd have thought that it's quite hard to get one out of a backpack. I suppose if you've been sitting down... That's another danger. Sitting down a long time and you've had a bit of numbness, someone could just come and take the wallet straight out and you wouldn't know a damn thing. 27:24 Yeah. Yeah. 27:27 What about having one on wheels? That's the modern thing now, isn't it? No, I want it. A massive wallet on wheels. As people can't carry anything anymore. 27:36 OK. Lyndon Hughes has also checked it up. 27:39 Lyndon Hughes used to play midfield for West Bromwich Albion. 27:43 Well, he says, Frank, on the subject of shirts, I was at the theatre last week and a lady in her 50s was wearing a replica shirt. This was wrong on so many levels. One, she was over 50. 27:53 I thought she was going to say, so many levels. The upper circle. The stalls. 27:59 Two... It was an XXXXL size. 28:02 Wow. 28:03 Three, it was a Chelsea shirt with Torres on it. Four, it was in Liverpool. 28:07 Oh, dear. Blimey. I'd like to know what they'd gone to see. 28:11 Well, so would I. Lyndon texted him. 28:13 Yeah, Lyndon, do. 28:14 She'd kept that Toro shirt, maybe. 28:17 Maybe. Couldn't be bothered to buy a new one. I was once in my local bank and somebody was having an interview with the bank manager in a Man City shirt. I just thought, I'm not sure that's appropriate. They're a big money club. 28:30 I saw someone pull up at the job centre in a black cab. I respected that person. 28:34 I saw someone pull up at the supplementary benefit signing on place in a coal wagon. LAUGHTER And he came in... Was this 1902? When I was signing on in the 70s, he came in, I mean, as black as... Black with dust, with cold dust, clearly working. Couldn't be more clearly working. Left a big sotty paw print on his signing on thing and then went. Oh, dear. 29:03 I don't know what's happened to this country. 29:05 It's nowhere near as funny as it used to be. 29:07 LAUGHTER Oh, anyway. But the fundamental point is the jury's out on the football shirts. But I agree. I think that does make people feel sick. 29:20 Yeah, while it's football. 29:23 The trouble is, I'm struggling now to tell people things like that because it's so easy, isn't it? You know, you think of yourself as straight talking. People get hurt. I've got a terrible example I'll share with you. Right. 29:43 Well, I don't think I did insult them, but they took it surprisingly badly. 29:46 I feel already. 29:47 This is my second Daisy anecdote of the day. 29:51 Oh, no. 29:53 Daisy's working with me on another radio show at the moment for BBC Radio 4. 30:00 If anyone's just flicking through the channels, I think, oh, that was BBC Radio 4. 30:05 We've lost, what, one person? Yeah. 30:08 I've gained a few. 30:09 Yeah. 30:11 Exactly. So, I'm doing a... I've mentioned this before, I'm doing a history radio show. 30:19 So... You did mention that in the past. 30:22 Oh. I'm sorry, I think it was a problem with my microphone. 30:27 With the Foxy Historian. 30:30 Um... 30:31 With a historian. 30:36 Ever the last. So Daisy was talking, everyone was talking about history. Because when you're with a historian, you talk about history. And Daisy said, well, actually, I went to school and one of the teachers was related to Florence Nightingale. 30:51 And we said, oh, okay. 30:53 And she said, yeah, no, it might have just been, you know, she might have been making it up, I suppose. Or it might have been a myth. I said, it's odd, because I'm thinking, I was thinking that you're making it up in order to join in with the history conversation in some way. What is wrong with you? 31:15 No, but it was, it was, it wasn't, I wouldn't say it was a joke, but it was a sort of an experiment. I wouldn't say it was a joke either. 31:21 No, it was a sort of an experiment, I suppose, in fact. 31:25 Can't experiment on people like this. 31:29 And I thought it was nothing compared to everyone's in place now. 31:34 In the league table of terrible things to say to someone you work with. 31:40 Where does it come in terms of, I don't think you've ever lied to me before, but now I think you have, which I believe you said to me once. 31:47 Daisy went a bit, she went slightly scary. Did she? What did she do? I remember there used to be girls at school who walked around but with their arms folded while they were walking. Do you remember those girls? Yeah. 32:01 I was that girl. 32:01 Yeah, they look a bit scared. And she went a bit hand on hip and angular. And she said, I should walk out of here right now. Wow. And she said out-a. She said out-a instead of, she said, oh, I should walk out-a here right now. Oh, yeah. A bit London. Yeah, it was very, it was like Bronwell High. 32:26 If you remember that animated series that I don't know if it was ever broadcast. But anyway, yeah, it was. It was very like, you know, baseball bat turn, baseball cap turn around the wrong way. Oh, yeah. I backed off, I'll be honest with you. Did you? 32:39 Did she get all beef in your face? 32:41 She just, well, she was standing in a doorway, so she was silhouetted. Oh, no. I should go up, out of here. Out of here right now. 32:48 Oh, Brian, it's very urban. It's too urban for me. 32:52 I'm not saying I don't do urban, but I don't do it to that extent. No. Wow. Good to have a rule. 32:57 I think you've got your just desserts. You know what I'm saying? I think it was deserved. 33:02 And then I was leaving a London, a private club in London. 33:06 This isn't another Daisy story. You've got many nights with her. 33:09 It's not Daisy. 33:12 And I opened the door for a woman and she just walked through. 33:18 So I stood and I just stared at her in the face. 33:22 And she said... 33:24 Yes. And I said, I was waiting for you to say thank you. You did not say that? Yeah. Good. 33:30 And she said, she said, I've got a headache. 33:34 Not the first time you'd heard that that week. Yeah. 33:37 Did you say, I wasn't thinking things were going to go that far. I was just opening the door for you. Again, I backed off. 33:45 I'm losing my nerve in social confrontations. 33:49 No, I think that's one of the things that makes me sick when you hold the door open for someone. 33:54 And they don't say thank you. 33:55 Sick rather than fed up. Fed up to the back teeth. 33:58 Furious and sick. 33:59 Yeah, incandescent. I just think it's so easy. 34:01 Yeah, but it's not as bad as a jean hanging over a shoe and making contact with the earth. 34:05 I worked with somebody the other night. Had a button-down collar shirt and they'd left the buttons undone on the collar. Oh. Oh. 34:14 oh come on i just don't like a button-down collar shirt it's a bit what it's a bit they think it's all over you think yeah i don't like pretty much any man in a sock other than frank skinner in the sock yeah i don't like men in socks it's just a bit creepy i don't like a bear sock i like them to have bare feet or shoes i don't like socks only frank he looks quite cute in them any other men yeah 34:40 Do you mean with shoes? 34:42 No, they can have shoes. I don't like socks on their own. 34:45 So if I kicked off my desert boots and started padding around this studio, you'd feel a bit sick? I'd vomit. Oh, yeah. 34:50 I like it. I think it's... Yeah, but you're allowed. 34:52 I've given you a pass. 34:53 How can I burn it? Cozy. 34:56 One of my things as well is if people say, well, it's like everything, isn't it? 34:59 I'll always pick up something like a biro and say, well, is it like that? 35:02 LAUGHTER It's a strange... I mean, people I barely know. 35:07 Oh, I am a bit... As someone once said in a text of this show, I am a bit of a git. 35:12 We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and typing. It's a walked-out memory lane, I know, cos people find new things quite frightening.